Girls who read are messy.
I’ve been told we have a tendency
to remember every detail about everyone we’ve ever met.
We can’t forget
I will see you on the street
eight years from now
and I will remember the way I felt when you kissed me
for the first time,
in the dark,
I’ve been told girls who read can’t let go of anything.
Why would we want to?
I don’t ever want to be someone
who lets others hurt
just so I don’t have to,
or who sacrifices one form of happiness for another.
I’ve also realized that I don’t want to ever be someone
who doesn’t get excited about things;
who doesn’t remember the smell of someone’s hair;
who doesn’t keep old sweaters of my old lovers;
who burns letters;
who doesn’t think Disney movies are cool;
who thinks it’s lame to hold hands in front of your parents;
who illuminates her sadness.
I don’t want to not feel.
I want to paint myself
with the words of the birds
who sing about love
and I want to break open
into so many pieces
I can’t even find myself anymore.
And it’s not that I want to broken.
I want to be shattered.
I want to pour myself into someone else’s words
and I want to give my melted self to someone else
and show them
how whole you become
when you’re shattered
for the right reasons.
I’ve been told that girls who read
read the same books over and over again,
that they find things that remind them of people
and hold on to them forever,
that they never really learn to get over anything.
Can I just press the fast forward button in my life to see if all these crap I am going through is ever gonna get better because I am so fucking done with all these shit, I do not know when will it be over or if it will ever be over because otherwise, I am pressing eject. GODDAMNIT